Spider-Man Half A Life
by C.J. Tan
Summary: Peter Parker meets the newest writer of The Amazing Spider-Man monthly comic book and vents.


Half A Life

A Spider-Man Short Fiction

C.J. Tan

"Hi, I am…"

"Yes, I know. You're the new guy," said Peter Parker, collapsing on my brand new couch with a loud thud. He glanced around the office and shrugged. "You're redecorating? How did you swindle Mr. P to do that? OMG! Are you his great grandson or something? That's how you get Danny Boy fired after… What? A hundred years on _The Amazing Spider-Man_?"

"No, no, I won this job fair and square," I said, trying to reconcile the cranky person in front of me and the happy-go-lucky superhero I've been reading about since I was a kid. "As I understand it, the powers-that-be like my pitch for _AMS_ in the Post-Resistance world, so I am contracted to write your title for the next twelve issues. Then, someone else will take over for me."

Peter grumbled something under his breath and shrugged. "So, let's hear what you've planned then."

"Well, the first arc is _called Back To Basics_ ," I said. "You're living alone in a rundown apartment in the city. You're struggling to make payments… Um… Pete? Are you listening to me?"

"I am struggling to make payments, so I have to work extra hard to take pictures of myself fighting crime as Spider-Man. Jonah gyps me every time, of course. My life as a superhero is interfering with what little social life I have and Norman Osborn or Otto Octavius or some other AAA baddie is behind some world-changing plot that's about to make life worst by forcing me to stop them. What did I miss?"

"Um… Uh…"

"So, it's the same song and dance, correct? Make Petey miserable and heroic at the same time?"

"Um… You seem upset…"

"Seem upset?" Peter laughed loudly. "I am fifty-five years old and I still don't have a single dime to my name! Of course, I am upset!"

"No, you're not! You're Peter Parker! Spider-Man! You're worth…"

"I am not talking about in the real world, dummy! I am talking about in there! In the comic book world!" Peter said, pointing to a framed poster of the _Amazing Fantasy No. 15_ leaning against a stack of boxes. "Damn it! Do I have to spell it out for you? I had a kid in the 90's! Remember? M.J. gave birth and the baby disappeared! Then, for some strange demented reason, you made me make a pact with Mephisto of all people to give up my marriage! Then, you shipped Mary Jane to Harvey Weinstein and stuck me in this loop of an overgrown man-child unable to be responsible for his own life!"

"Oh!"

I knew what he was talking about, of course. The _Clone Saga_ dominated the _Spider-Man_ titles in the 1990's. That ended badly and the less said about it the better. Then, Pete evolved to match his evolution in the new movie adaptation and a weird retcon where his powers became magic-based instead of science-based. Eventually, every step he took forward as a character disappeared in _One More Day_ , a story where he gave up his marriage to Mephisto in exchange for saving the life of Aunt May. This was followed by _Brand New Day_ , which devolved Pete into an eternal man-child.

"I am sorry," Peter said, sitting down. "I know you weren't here for all of that. But… It's just unfair!. What if you wake up and find everything you work for gone? That you're stuck in this endless loop of down luck stories for the amusement of eight billion people? Won't you be angry as well?"

"Um… Pete, I am sorry. But your marriage isn't coming back. The powers-that-be believe it was a mistake to let you tie the knot with Mary Jane. Aside from that, as far as they are concerned, _One More Day_ never happened. They tied up the loose ends in…"

"I don't care! I have the right to grow old and die! Most of all, I have the right to be happy! And don't you dare say making me happy is boring! I have the right to be happy! Everyone does!"

"You don't. I am sorry. But you're a comic book character and your raison d'état is to make us, real people, happy. Unfortunately, that means dragging you through the mud every single minute of every single day. Your misery is conflict and conflict is drama. So, whether you like it or not, you're going to suffer for our entertainment."

"Okay…Think of the children, then."

Really? I bit my lip, trying not to laugh. He's going to pull that on me?

"How long has it been since the last great literary phenomenon? That one new series of books that sell millions of copies around the world in a single day? Adapted into a series of movies that break box office records every two to three years?"

"Well, _Game of Thrones_ is…"

" _Game of Thrones_ doesn't count! It has been running on HBO for seven years!"

"Um… Well…"

"Your last great literary phenomenon is _Fifty Shades of Grey_! There haven't been a literary phenomenon to storm the public consciousness since Anastasia Steele made print. I am sorry, but your culture has stalled, trapped in a loop of nostalgia. And by keeping me trapped in this sad existence, we are only contributing to the decline of your culture. I mean, you have seen my latest movie, right? You de-aged me and made me subordinate to Tony Stark! Tony Stark! I should be his equal! No! I should be his superior! I should be teaching him that great power comes with great responsibility! And you people made him my father figure? Haven't you read _Demon In a Bottle_ for crying out loud?"

"Look, even if I agree with you, there's nothing I can do. My pitch has already been written and…"

"Oh, come on! You don't have to stick to every beat in that damn thing! You know that!"

"Yes, but…"

"Oh, forget it! I am wasting my breath! Joey and Danny didn't listen. Why should you be any different?" Peter said, putting on the Spider-Man costume and swinging out the window, out of my imagination.

Sighing loudly, I opened my topmost drawer and skimmed through my pitch for _The Amazing Spider-Man_. I took out a red pen and started making notes. My chat with Pete gave me a few good new ideas, but there's only one way to find out if I can work them in.

So, I hit new message and typed the M-word in big bold letters in the subject line…


End file.
